I'm stuck...

Not literally stuck, just, stuck in my life.
I'm a mommy, a mommy and a mommy, and when I have the time, I am me <>.
Now I'm about 95% mommy, and 5 % me, or better said, not-mommy.
I don't really know who this "me" person is now, but I know who she was, what she liked, how she would react in certain situation. But I've lost her, she's here, but I can't find nor recognize her.
"Me" used to hang out with (lots) of friends. ( Me 1 - Mommy 0).
"Me" used to have all the time in the world (Me 2- Mommy 0).
"Me" used to go to school/work (Me 3- Mommy 0)
etc.

You wont be surprised that "Me" kicked "Mommy's" butt.

And for some odd reason, I'm happy about being a mother. It's an enrichment (or robbery) to/for your life.
Yes, you completely sacrifice yourself and your life (yes, I DID have a life...quite a while ago...a LONG time ago... But that's not the point!), but it's worth it.
You probably think I'm crazy, I have to agree with you on that, I probably am. I think I'm suffering from the motherly-madness (Hmmm...that sounds quite funny when I think about it).
You wreck your life, to create another one ("That's what they call, the price to crawl").
Yup, madness...

But back to the stuck-thingy. I never realized you have to "build" your life, and put effort in it. I always thought life built itself. I now realize I was terribly wrong. I have to pull myself together, either get a job or start a study, get my own place to live with my son... But how?
I'm stuck in this stupid cirkle, I have to bring Josh to the daycare but I can't sign him up because I don't have a job, and because I can't sign him up I can't work/study(Jay college!). I want my own place to live, but I don't have a job, but because I don't have my own home, I can't sign Josh up for the daycare etc...
It's so complicated.
I have to break this killing cirkle, but one thing block the other, and this blocks that and so on.
So I'm stuck in my no-life.
But I HAVE to break this cirkle...

This cirkle feels like a black hole to me, sucking me in even further every second. But the last thing I want is dragging my son in the cirkle with me. I have to find a way, I must!

Oh and I mentioned friends didn't I? Well, hmpf, some friends...
They used to support me no matter what, until I found out I was pregnant. And sure, some of them dumped me right away, and some "promised" to keep contact. Yeah...right...
It seems like either I or they vanished from the earth. I guess it's them who have vanished, because I call or mail every once in a while, and they don't.
They go on with their typical adolescent lives. I can't blame them for it, I don't even want to, but it pissed me off more that you'll ever know that they seem to forget that I am still alive, and so is my son.
When I "accidentaly" get to talk to someone, they're always being over-enthousiastic about their "nephew"(my son), and best-friend (me). That pissed me off even more (If that's possible), how can they (still) entitle us with that after having no contact at all? As if that one single conversation heals every wound?
And the stupidest thing is... I still consider them friends, though they're really not even close to friends.
I don't expect them to call me every day (that would drive me banana), but once a month is not to much to ask for? Once every 2 months would be fine too.
I mean, I'm busy all the time, and I know they are too, but sending an email doesn't take that much time, right?

I have sent my so-called-best-friend an email not to long ago. It was quite long, wrote a lot about his-so-called-nephew, and all I got back was three lines.
That killed me.
I have cared about this friend so much, and then I get this...

So 2008, goals:
- NO boyfriend (uhhhhh...still trying to get rid of my ex)
- Work (don't want to)
-Go to college (again).
-Get my own home (JAY!).
- New social network (REAL friends)
- Learn my son to use sign-language (working on it, he seems to understand it, but isn't willing to use it...*sigh* kids these days).
-Work on my book.

- And maybe...stop smoking?

Goals for the future:
Too many.


Ps: Does any one have cheat-codes for my life?

The definition of a man.

"What is the definition of a man? - A system to keep the penis alive".

It's one of my favourite quotes, I can't remember who wrote it (It was a man, an author I believe, but that's all I know). But for the majority of men, it's the truth.
Though many, of course, don't have the guts to admit it.

Fortunately, or in this case unfortunately, some of these penisses have feelings. And sometimes, these penisses have acces to a mobile phone.
It should be forbidden.

My phone told me that I was called at least 6 times, and have recieved textmessages, all from the same person.
I couldn't help myself but reading it, and again the flow of annoyance came back.
Still, the same lines that I had heard tons of times in one single day were repeated, but then he went original: If he could call me once more to hear my voice again, and he had one thing left to ask me.
I decided to accept it, perhaps this was what it took for him to leave me alone.
So we called, well, I called end I ended up with a broken record on the other side of the phone.
Eventually, after telling him once again that I didn't regret my decision, and that I really really really didn't want to have a relationship with him, and wished him all the best, I managed to end the conversation (of course after telling him it was best that this was our last one, and should move on).
I wonder, will he really leave me alone right now? I don't think so ("I just can't accept it" he repeated every 2 seconds), but hey, hoping isn't a wrong thing is it?
I try not to feel to sorry for him (I know what he feels right now, been there, done that). This isn't what I wanted to happen, but it's just how it is.

I knew penisses had their brains in their penis, but I never realized that their heart was at the exact same position.

P.s: If that quote really is the definition of a man. What would that make me as a woman?

Bye bye, perfect guy.

Ever bought a pair of jeans that was your size, should fit you perfectly, but doesn't (after you've admired it for ehm...let's just say a couple of weeks) so it's best to just throw it away?
I've never had something like that (I'm too careful for that). But I experienced a simular situation...

I've started internet-dating quite a while ago. Mostly because I was curious, but partly because I wanted to make myself "available" and "reachable" to all the nice guys in my area.
After a while (yes, I was picky) I found someone who interested me. So after a few weeks of emailing and calling we decided to go on a date.
My god... That was awful!
Apparently he had some fetishes (not a problem to me though) and was obsessed with seks.
Oh and about the fetish, If you're thinking about feet or leather fetishes, you're not even close!
It was...oh boy... A baby-fetish. Yeps, that's right, he wanted (to be treated like) a baby.
Diapers... Breastfead by me... He wanted me to "punish" him like I would punish a baby etc.
Shock of my life I can assure you.
I tried to be polite (even after numberous attempts to kiss and/or tuch me), and for some miraculous reason I even managed to.
You probably won't be surprised to hear that I made up an excuse to go home early.

Date #2.

Ok, so I learned from my first experience. Date #2 (And that would be boyfriend #22, or something like that)!
I've emailed a lot, spoke to him on the phone and yes, we finally went on a date.
He seemed perfect (If only I knew perfect was a bad thing back then), and so was our first date.
He is a really sweet guy, we laughed on our date..went a bit romatic and I ended up at his home (something I'd usually never do on a first date) and ehm...
Anyway, I got to meet his parents right away. I'm afraid of parents, but his parents were actually quite nice.
His parents (and he) adored me, and my son. Perfect right?
They invited me over for christmas, new year's eve, and tons of (family)diners between all that. And they even wanted to buy me stuff, and wanted me to go live in their house.
He was all the same, he wanted to go shopping with me and my son, planned to go on vacation together etc.
And the entire family was practicly already planning our wedding.
He was always polite (even towards my family) , accepted everything I did, never resisted or refused anything, offered me anything I would want and was the sweetest "father" to my son.

I broke up with him... Today...after he was about to give me something I really wanted ( a game, it sounds stupid, I know...).
I just couldn't do it... He was too... sweet.
I didn't know a "too" before something positive could turn it into something negative, but apparently it can.
It annoyed the hell out of me.
"Shall I help you with..."- No.
"Do you want me to..."- No.
"Let's just..."- No.
"But I really want to help you with..." - You don't have to. "But I want to". - But I don't! "You really need my help, otherwise..." No! I can do it myself, thanks.
"Do you want me to come over? I'll leave you alone if you want to?" (How can you say no to that? Ok, I tried it, en than you get this:)
"Ok, no problem, I'll see you tomorrow then. Sweet dreams! Love you so much!"
And then I'm like: Arrgghh! You're supposed to say: "What? We already agreed that..."
But he doesn't, he's ok with everything, and it annoys me to the bone. He should pay resistence, and when I don't listen to him when he gives me advice, he should just mummble that I'm crazy and all that stuff and walk away scratching his head because he will never fully understand those silly women.
He's almost not human, he's just too...everything!

And now, he managed to annoy me even more (didn't think that was possible though...).
He keeps on calling me, and sending me messaged about how he has lost both me and my son now, he doens't understand the fact that I broke up with him, that I was so perfect for him, and how he has spend the entire evening crying.
I didn't like to break up either (especially since he wasn't a bad guy at all, unfortunately, that would have made things a lot easier for me), but it just didn't work for me. I don't want to create a relationship based on a lie, which would have hurt even more.

He was certain he wanted to marry me, and thankgod I was certain I know I didn't.

Ps: No more dating for me....

Thank you, Mother Nature

There's a Dutch expression: "Als je van de trap af valt ben je gauw beneden". Which literally means: When you fall down the stairs you'll be down very quickly. Which of course is absolutely true. And I for one, can prove it.

As I held my 7,5 month old son in my arms and was about to walk down the stairs, I "slipped" (actually, I still don't know why we fell, it just happened) and fell down (with 160 k/h in my memory).
Which of course, wasn't pleasent at all. My son bumped and scratched his tiny head against the wall and I'm total garbage right now because I tried (and managed as far as possible) to protect my son and didn't try to brake my fall.
My son is allright, thank goodness, except for the lump and the bruise on his forhead.
Me on the other hand, well, let's just say that if you need a jigsaw you should give me a call.

But one thing (durig the fall) really amazed and fascinated me. My body already reacted before I noticed I fell. I held my son very tight, in a different position then the one in which I was carrying him, to maximize the protection.
Isn't it wonderful, this motherly instinct? Bruize yourself to the maximum as long as your child is safe (better said, as save as it can be)? Your child comes first, even when that means you're about to extremele hurt yourself?
Mother Nature has done a good job on that, I must say.

As we (finally) reached the floor and that way stopped falling, I couldn't do anything else but shouting for my mom to take Josh, there was something wrong with my arm (the arm that had held and protected Josh. It still had my son in it's grip).
The moment Josh (hysterical) was lifted up, my arm simply bungled next to me, it hurt and it didn't move or respond anymore.
For some odd reason, my body managed to make my arm work until my body knew Josh was save, and it wasn't neccesairy anymore to hold him. Then it just gave up, it felt dead except from the fact that it hurt.
My body fought for my son until it knew it was ok, my body did something what was unusual. Trying to make something work while it actually couldn't, and there's this wonderful mother instinct again.
If it wasn't for this instinct... well, I actually don't want to thing about what would have happened to my son.

Ever heard of the woman who lifted a car because het son was underneath it? I do, and I have always believed it, and now I believe it even more. Surely my expercience wasn't as heroic as the one I just mentioned, but it's the same principal.
When it's about your child, your body can do the unthinkable.

Then I wonder... Where can I find the adress from Mother Nature, and how come she never recieved any flowers for the work she has done?

Hands together for Mother Nature! And thank you for protecting my son!

Mammoth-Time!

Though I'm just 17 weeks pregnant, a little belly starts popping up. A little belly with an kicking baby in it, not big enough to be seen if you don't know that I am pregnant, so I thought. It's barely visible, but I can't fit my jeans anymore, and I'm not too happy about that.

The other day I went to the mall to buy some underwear (yes, underwear) in a cheap clothing shop. My little brothet came along too, for he still had to buy a present for a friend of his.
So there we went, searching and searching for a present, but we didn't find anything that fitted my brother's expectations.
Then we went to the cheap clothing shop to buy some underwear.
As I was diving into a big pile of underwear, my brother started jabbering and whining about "How we still hadn't found a present". Suddenly, this old lady came out of the nowhere, commanding my little brother to "leave his mother alone" and then smiled at me.
As dumfounded as I was, I smiled back and continued my adventure in search of "not-grandma-sized" underwear, for I didn't have the guts to tell the old lady that the 10-year old really wasn't my son.
Then she started yapping about how cheap the underwear was in this shop, and all I could do is smile back politely and dive into the big pile again.

Since I'm pregnant, and there is not enough blood in my body for both me and the baby, I faint very easily, especially when I am dressed to warm. I felt that I became a little bit woozy, so I opened up my jacket to get rid of some warmth.
The old lady stared at my belly, and all of a sudden she got all exited and shouted:"Oh is that your second one?".
I became even more dizzy then I already was, my face turned red, I nodded and tried to get away as soon as possible. I grabbed the pile of underwear I sorted out, grabbed my brother, paid for the underwear and left.
By the time I got home I realized, that I had accidentaly bought 18 pair of underwear...

I was so terribly ashamed, and confused... How did she know I was pregnant? I was wearing a huge sweater and pair of jeans, even I couldn't see that I was pregnant. And why did she shout it throughout the enire mall? And why didn't she see that I was just 17, not 36 or something?
Why did she have to embarras me so badly?

Then I realized, that one day I might be an old hag who starts pointing at pregnant belly's, shout it through the entire mall, making a young girl so terrified that she would leave the shop with all haste, without me even realizing what I had done....

Sorrow of a teenage pregnancy...

When you think about "17 years old and pregnant", then what pops up in your mind?
Probably "stupid" "irrisponcible" "slut" etc. Right?

I thought so...and it bothers me....

Just for the record: I am 17, and yes, I am pregnant.
But I'm not the typical slut of the neighbourhood.
I've always been the sweet and quiet girl in school, who finished her homework on time, always nodded politely, and in the end finished school with excellent grades.
On the other hand, I've had a lot of boyfriends, but it never got further than "just" kissing and holding hands...
Adults describe me as very responsible, caring and very mature for her age.
That's probably why everyone was surprised when "I", of all girls, turned out to be pregnant.
I just didn't fit in the typical pregnant teen image... Which I consider as a compliment of course, but still, every outsider automaticly attaches a "typical pregnant teen" sticker on my forehead. I am being labeled by everyone, when really, I am not like them.
I'm not one of those girls who have no clue who the father actually is. I DO! My ex-boyfriend is the father, we had an relationship for 1,5 years, but when I turned out to be pregnant, he left me...

I know I can't offer my child all the riches of the world, when it comes to money and big houses, that is. But I CAN offer my child all the love and protection of the world, and personally, I think that is much more world than pieces of paper on your bank account.
I am certain that I will do better than most people my age, I just have to. I care about me child, I really do, and there is no one in the world who can change that.

I will do as best as I can, because my child deserves it. And I know my child will grow up without a father, and I wished it was differnt, but I will try to be as much of a daddy as I can.
And perhaps, one day, I will find a suitable daddy. But for now, those are mere hopes.

I hope, some people will think differently about pregnant teens after reading my blog, I truly do. Because it's hard enough already. The world starts to vanish onderneath your feet, and the friends that were supposed to catch you when you fall also vanished.
Eveything is lost, but the thing that really is lost is you, the pregnant teen.

*Though I am 18 when I have my baby, I am still considered a teen. Just to prevent confusion.*

Today I'm 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant, that means I'm almost halfway there... It is odd to realize that within a few months time, I will hold a gorgeous baby in my arms...
Then I wonder, if it will be a boy or a girl... I still don't know, but I'll probably find out on 29/12, I will have my second ultrasound then, I can hardly wait to find out.


I would like to present: My little miracle.
These are the ultrasound-pictures that were made when I was 12 weeks pregnant:
And of course, I already have names, but I won't tell you just yet!
I might tell you when I have found out if this little creature will pee standing up or sitting down.

With regards,
Goddess